The Musings of a Very Important Lawyer.

The newly rebranded CEDAR FAIR PRESENTS PARAMOUNT’S KINGS ISLAND this year added Firehawk, a flying coaster that basically dared my girlfriend to ride it and not get a headache. We actually emerged unscathed (although it sort of hurt my legs), but somewhat bored – Firehawk is absolutely not a very good ride.

Kings Island is known for two things: The Beast, and Son of Beast. The Beast is well known because it is the world’s longest wodden roller coaster, tearing ass through over five hundred thousand megayards of American countryside. In fact, during the original construction of The Beast, the ride’s architect personally went to the rainforest and cut down over four square miles of virgin-growth trees, stamping out dozens of endangered species simply to demonstrate man’s utter dominance of nature. Don’t worry, though – most of those species were huge, really ugly bugs, and those things are assholes and deserve nothing short of a painful extinction.

As should be obvious, The Beast is among the greatest roller coasters of all time. Kings Island owns a ton of amazing, gorgeous land, and the Beast travels over a lot of it – you are taken away from the park and hurtled blindly through acre after acre of terrifying, presumably haunted woods.

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Guys, I archived the above like months and months ago. I’m posting it now as part of the VIL CLEARINGHOUSE but here’s the Cliff’s Notes:

- Andrea and I managed to get in an argument at the water park about whether, once married, she’d take my last name (no)

- We rode the Beast in darkness at park closing time. Riding up in the front. Beautiful.

- Top Gun’s awesome, I spazzed out on Vortex and yelled about how Andrea “promised” me that it didn’t go upside-down, I love Flight of Fear like a child, Firehawk sucks, I made Andrea ride the Spongebob 3D virtual reality ride (when the 3D was broken!), the food at PKI is disgusting, the Avatar: the Last Airbender ride is the coolest looking kids’ ride I have ever seen, and the Scooby Doo Haunted Spacegun Thing is a waste compared to the old spookhouse but could totally be worse.

Sorry this is half a year late! I was busy playing beer pong!

A man in a room suffers